Category: the Rant Board
Well, what I am going to say is just how I feel. I am going to be referring
to the guy who I referred to in my fwb topics.
Back in 2010, he had a girlfriend who passed away. She was overweight
and was very sick. He says that since she passed away, he can't bring
himself to do certain things. They use tevo, a recording thing for recording
TV shows. Since she passed away, he couldn't bring himself to cancel her
subscription. I think he should cancel it because all he is doing is wasting
money. If you don't want a subscription anymore, then cancel it. That is
what I would do. I am not going to waste my money on something I or
someone else won't use. He said that since she passed away, he can't
bring himself to cancel it. I don't see why; his money is being wasted.
Heck. It's like me saying that when my windows machine stops working, I
can't go on the zone anymore because I can't bring myself to go on
websites that I used on my old computer. If I pay for my boyfriend to use
something that we are subscribed to, and something happens, I would
cancel his subscription. It is stupid to waste my money on something I am
not going to use. One time, Alex and I were talking and he wanted to get
me XM radio for my birthday, and I was for it. He already has a
membership, but he wanted to add me and his membership would cover
both of us. I was all for that, but one day, Alex, his mother, and I were
talking about it, and his mother said that probably wouldn't be a good idea
because if something happened between me and Alex, then I would get
stuck paying for it. I agreed with her because I wouldn't want to be stuck
paying for it, but if that did happen, I would cancel it. I am not going to
waste my money. I understand that we all make mistakes and everyone is
bound to waste money in his or her lifetime, but if you have a subscription
and you no longer want it, all it takes is a phone call saying hey I have a
subscription and I would like to cancel it. My friend also got chocolates
from this girl for Valentine's Day. He said he can't bring himself to eat
them, and they are 6 years old now. I don't agree with that either
because obviously if someone gives you candy, they want you to have it.
If my mother gave me something to eat and then passed away a few
months later, I would still eat it because I know that whenever she gives
me something to eat or makes it especially for me, she asks me how it is,
and I know she would want me to enjoy it. People say that I am missing
that "chip" when it comes to being sentimental, but I beg to differ. I am
not one to waste money if it can be avoided. So what do all of you think
about tbhis?
Title?
My personal bitch about my X.
Put this on the rant board.
You're entitled to your opinion. He's entitled to his.
Also, we now know his name. Be more careful.
My brother died in 2005. It was very sudden. For some time after that, I would sometimes call my dad when I was quite sure he wouldn't be home. My brother lived with my dad, and it was his voice on the answering machine. I did this even though I had to pay long-distance at the time. It didn't cost me an arm and a leg, but it was still a dime or two every time I did it, and I did it a goodish handful of times. I just wanted to hear his voice. I wasted money for that reason only.
Are you going to tell me that your opinion, that one shouldn't waste money, ought to apply to me? Should I really care what you think? If so, do let me know.
And before I finish, I'll end by explaining something to you:
When this guy got the box of chocolates from his girlfriend, they were a box of chocolates. When she died, they essentially stopped being a box of chocolates for him, and have turned into a memento. Something she gave him has assumed greater significance because the giver has died. It happens all the time. I'm not saying it happens for everyone, but it's common enough.
If you're not that way, that's fine. But the moment you say "I think he should", you're stepping over the line. What you think this man should do is absolutely and completely irrelevant. Your views on his choices are very likely unwelcome, and they're certainly selfish and have been arrived at without much forethought.
Have some decency.
I have to echo Greg's sentiment. None of us know what we'd do to remember someone - what would become significant to us if they passed on. Is he wasting money? not if he's getting some sollace out of that subscription. To him the money is worth it. To you it is not. And that's okay. She was his girlfriend, not yours. If my wife were to pass on, there are things I don't know if I'd be able to bring myself to get rid of too, because they represent her, and our life together. I'd probably eventually have no choice if I had to move, and I know that would be very hard.
This is a cruel and sad and just all round awful board.
People say you're missing the sentimental chip... Well, it's clear that's not the only chip you're missing. You are practically chipless, dear. This means you're missing many chips, just so you know. :D
And furthermore...
The mystery unfolds. You know how you prided yourself on not divulging any information about your ex FWB so it didn't matter that you were obsessively trashing him on here?
Well., now, suddenly we know a little more about him. Here's what we've got so far:
1, his name is Alex.
2: he has a fat, dead girlfriend (according to you) whom he can't seem to get over (again, according to you).
3. He has poor taste in women (I derive that from the fact that he slept with you, but the fact that he didn't choose to date you does redeem him a bit...)
4. He currently has a girlfriend who: A, is not you, B, whom you're jealous of, and C, who has a brain injury (according to you.)
5. He has a mother. (who doesn't seem to be too fond of you.)
Oh boy... seems I know a little too much about Alex, there, and I wonder why? I certainly don't know him directly, so he never told me any of this... But this is enough info for someone to go on if they were bitchy enough and had enough time on their hands to make your ass just a little more miserable.
Oh and by the way, until you have someone close to you pass away, don't pass judgment on what's ok to keep and what's not. Simply put, it ain't your business. Just like it's none of my business to know anything about your obsession name alex, so I'd urge you to stop divulging more and more info about him. lol
He seems like an unfortunate soul already--even if just for the mere fact that he got involved with you. lol.
Bernadeta, you hit the nail on the head. well-said.
No his name is not Alex. Alex is another friend of mine. We're not dating
we're just friends, but he's another friend of mine. I was just using Alex as an
example when I was talking about the radio thing. The thing is, when
someone passes away, you need to learn to move on, and by keeping things
that the person doesn't use and neither will you, that's not moving on; all
you're doing is dwelling on the past.
Have you actually had someone close to you, family or otherwise, pass away? how easy do you actually think it is to move on or let go of sentimental objects? And why is it any of your business what this person does with the subscription? Not your life, not your circumstances, grow the fuck up and let folks do what they want. You hav no control over what goes on in other people's lives or how they grieve. The grieving process is handled very differently by each person, and for some, hanging on to personal items or whatever belonging to the deceased is part of their way of remembering the person who passed on. ghet the hell over yourself, you selfish, closed-minded, immature baby. when you have a loved one pass on, come back to this board and talk to us about how someone may say to you, "They're gone, get rid of this object because it shouldn't matter to you." It wont' be so fun being on the receiving end of such hurtful, judgmental comments, will it? Until you've walked in another person's shoes regarding anything in life, but especially the process of death and grieving a loved one, don't even sit there and say, "I empathize," or, 'I understand," because unles you've been there, you really can't, and don't get what the person's going through.
to add to my last post, pets and former service animals, (if applicable), count.
OP, keep your mouth shut until such time as you've experienced the lloss of someone who meant the world to you...that is, if this is not just more attention-seeking crap that you're spewing.
I agree with everything that has been said.
My sister died last year, but I still have her saved in my phone. I can't bring myself to delete her from it. Does that mean I'm stupid for holding on to something so silly?
The same with a very very close friend of mine. He has been dead now for 6 years, but his home number is still saved in my phone.
We each deal with death in our own ways, and there is no right or wrong way. Grief happens in its own time, and you don't just boom get over it, sometimes it takes years.
and in some cases, time does not heal, especially if the death was unexpected or the person died at the hand of someone else. it's a very, very painful subject.
I do agree that people have a different way of dealing with grief.
However, I feel it’s not healthy to bring that grief in to your new relationship heavily. A person has to move on to a healthy degree.
This should be done no matter what caused the person to not be in your life, death, divorce, or whatever.
Sure, the person will from time to time talk about their loved one, and this is healthy, and should be permitted, and given sympathy, but it shouldn’t get to the point you won’t give up things.
A telephone numbering your phone, and private keep sakes are fine, but if you bring your box of 6-year-old chocolates out, and other things frequently while we’re on a date, or a visit, this will become a problem.
A true story is amen inherited his aunt house. He and his girlfriend moved in.
He refused to change anything. Even kept his aunt’s clothes and all in the same spots. Soon, she had to move, because she couldn’t stand the morbidness. She wanted to decorate their home her way.
It killed their relationship.
In this case here, they were only dating, so he could spend his money, and keep what he liked, but still shouldn’t have brought it out often to talk about. That should have been kept for his private time.
As much as I agree with you all to a point, I don’t think you’d be comfortable with a situation were you were always confronted with your lover’s dead lover.
If it meant a lot to the person, who the hell am I to tell them to get rid of it? Grief is grief, and there is no set timeframe that one is required to move on by. Some people never "get over it" so why should we say that they are therefore unfit to enter into a relationship? Grief is not the same thing as baggage, in my opinion.
My mom took my brother's death very, very hard...as you'd probably expect. She'll never be the same. I can see appreciable differences between the woman she is today and the woman she was fifteen years ago, and many of them are because my brother is gone.
Some of those changes have been difficult to deal with. I won't detail them here, but suffice to say that because I dealt with his loss differently, I sometimes had (and still have) issues with what people say and do about my brother. But all I can really do is shrug it off. It's their way of grieving, I suppose, or of remembering. I have a right to speak up only when it directly impacts me, and even then, my first question is always "what is gained by speaking up here? Is the net gain greater than the net harm?"
Moving on in a healthy fashion is good, yes. I'll agree with you.
But having an old box of chocolates you keep somewhere, and not getting rid of some sort of subscription...well, maybe I wouldn't do that latter, but who the hell am I to judge? Or you, for that matter.
Also, if he still has the subscription, he can still use it if he wants, correct?
Saying this, you'd be perfectly at home in a dead woman's house, with all her things?
You'd not say to your lover he needed to get rid of these things?
Even if you didn't live with him, but visited, and he kept things around and talked to you about them all the time, this would be acceptable?
Sadi use to love candy, and I gave her that box over there just before she died.
You're laying on Sadi's favorite blanket, we used to make love on it all the time.
I guess it depends on the level of grief we're dealing with.
Wayne, I think you take my point at least. There comes a point when that sort of thing is too much. At that point, the responsibility goes both ways. The one grieving should try and be mindful of others. Those others, however, should be equally mindful of the grieving one. A little consideration goes a long way.
If it were me, I'd put that blanket away, and that candy as well. I could go get it, or if you saw it or found it I might tell you about it, but I wouldn't display it, and wouldn't want to cramp you with it.
I've been cramped by someone else's grief, and it's terribly suffocating. It doesn't make them wrong though, necessarily. It just means there's an issue to resolve.
Considering I have lived in a dead loved one's house with all her things, I do know what that's like--and honestly, it was a huge comfort to know she was still there in some form. Greg is right though, that both parties need to talk things out, if it becomes too much for one of them. As I said though, to me it's just insensitive to expect or even want our partner to get rid of something dear to them. We should wanna support them however we can, not discourage them from grieving as long as need be; forever, if need be. I mean, I'm still sad about the loved ones I've lost, and I don't feel we ever "get over" that sort of thing...and there's nothing wrong with that. Why that somehow means that we shouldn't enter into relationships though, is beyond my comprehension.
Yeah, I guess the problem is, I say all of this stuff now, but I haven't been in
a position where I have had to assess the situation.
And that's good to recognise that.
Your first post was incredibly ignorant and cruel, but if you recognise that you haven't been in a position to judge you can try and do better from now on.
Yes, a close friend of mine died ten years ago; I could not bring myself to remove him from skype - still can't for that matter.
Agree with what everyone here has said.
I realize that the OP has additional disabilities and this is why I haven't contributed to her prev posts but this is below the belt. I believe in the Cliche "don't speak ill of the dead".
Just to reiterate what others have said, it's none of your business how people grieve.
Ah, but the first post wasn't actually about his grief, it is about hers.
She was perfectly fine with it until he left her.
Now, she is bringing out all the bad things she can think of to make him undesirable so she can feel better about the loss.
Her personal rant.
I'd like to know if you have anything he's given you in the past ApplePeaches you sometimes take out and look at?
I'm just interested.
It isn't a bad thing to have this, but when you move on, put it away for your private times.
Now, do you?
Hell, that's a valid point.
If you want to go even a level deeper: this girl who's dead was referred to as "overweight". Negative stigma. This Alex guy (whether or not it's his real name) apparently kept a TVo subscription because he and his now-dead ex had it together. Ditto the box of chocolates. While ApplePeaches here got dropped when Alex wanted to move on.
She's lost someone, isn't dealing with it well, and is externalizing her bad feelings in a way which denegrades the man in question. Sort of like an offhand "Oh well, I don't have it anymore...that's okay, it sucked anyway".
I'm not articulating as clearly as I'd like, but Wayne, I hadn't even thought of that.
The man I'm talking about in this thread, his name is not Alex. Like I said
before, Alex is someone different.
Regardless of who it is, since you haven't been in this kind of a situation before, you have no right to judge him for how he handles his keeping of the deceased person's possessions.
Yeah I guess that's true.
My point wasn't gender specific Wayne.
Ah, but my post after yourse wasn't in answer to you.
It was about grief. She's basicly complaining about the way he handled his grief.
That isn't her problem. Her problem is he left her, so her grief.
Yeah
Lol, Wayne, The Zone's resident therapist: for real! lol
Oh OK Wayne; I apologies; I wasn't having a go at any rate. :)
No worries. Smile.
Now as to therapist: , they get paid right?
Should be worth a premium, don't you agree?
okay. so let's follow her logic a minute, okay? I had a dog, who died awhile ago, and I still
keep her leash to remember her by. I must be messed up then, because I wanted to keep
this? This is following this really flawed logic. Quite frankly, this isn't cool at all. Do not
judge anyone unless you have been in this situation. That is a little bit over-the-top that
you're bashing somebody for keeping keepsakes. That isn't any of your business anyway.
Not to mention you're airing his personal stuff on a board that he probably isn't even
visiting that's another thing that's just messed up.
Chelsea and others have expressed a lot of wisdom on this topic.
I lost a friend a few years ago. Now bear in mind I was still new to this social
networking bit at that time. I could not bring myself to unfriend him for a couple
years, as odd as that sounds.
Now people started writing on his behalf. I don't know who, but it got weird
when I got notifications from my dead friend. I'm not a superstitious man by
any stretch, but it made my skin crawl sometimes. I took longer than many to
unfriend him, I'm guessing.
Chelsea's right, people deal with this stuff at different rates, and I'm not even
sure we really know how we'll deal with any given situation. I ought to have
known perhaps because I've lost quite a number of people in my life by now.
But each one's different. Each time it impacts you differently.
I also had a friend who passed away a couple of years ago, and I still can't bring myself to remove her from my Skype contacts. That was our primary mode of communication.
And, one day about 6 months ago, someone must have signed into her account. I have to say it was one of the creepiest experiences I've ever had, just because notifications kept coming that she was signed in, then logged out, then signed in again, and it kept going like that for about an hour. It was heartbreaking and sickening and twisted all at once. And yet, I still didn't remove her from my contacts list. Why? I don't know. We weren't the best of friends or anything. But she did help me through a really rough time when I was very close to ending my life, and I feel like I owe her for that, and of course, now I can't do a damn thing about that.
The point is that, as others have said, being judgmental about how a person may or may not be dealing with grief is callous and childish, especially when you consider the specific circumstances and probable motivations for why this post was created in the first place.
All these examples are vary personal, private, so acceptable.
It is when it gets in the middle of the current relationship it is a problem.
I know I haven't posted to this thread in awhile, but another thing you have
to consider when keeping keepsakes that belonged to someone who passed
away is that when you enter a new relationship, the significant other may be
bothered by it. They might get jealous. For example, my stepdad's former
wife passed away. My stepsisters were kids, and her pictures were hung
around the house. When my mother moved in, she took her pictures down,
and that was wrong. My stepsisters wanted something there to help them
remember their mother. I could understand why she did it though. She was
the new wife, and she felt uncomfortable having pictures of the old wife all
over the house.